What happens if

A dear friend asked me today, "What happens if you don't raise the funds?"

......

I don't go. 

This hit me pretty hard last night and seems to be an overwhelming possibility. It's too early to say, but I feel I will be able to raise an absolute maximum of $1,000.

I believe that God has the power and the resources to provide the money. That's never the question, is it? The question is always... will He?

Why should I believe that He will bring $4,000 to some washed up college grad on the West Coast so she can take an outrageously expensive trip to the other side of the world? Why, especially when there are so many more pressing needs around the world that are not being met?

The fact is that God does not meet every need. I have gone without certain needs many times in my life. Many, many other people in the world go without crucial basic needs- even to the point of death.

But He has promised that He will provide for everything I need to follow Him. He has promised that I can face any need and be content. He has promised I can suffer greatly and still feel joy.

I'm curious to see how that will work.

I still have many questions and heartbreaks over the possibility of failing. First of all, I am in love with Malawi and this church and my team. To not be able to give to them in person is heartbreaking.

Secondly, what a career heartbreak. My attempts to pursue this dream have been a checkerboard with some successes and some failures. This seems like an overwhelming square that will wipe out my checkerboard. The question is, will it be black or white?

Which leads me to my final question. Regardless of the color of this square, I won't give up. With all the strength left in me, I won't give up. But this seems like it could be such a devastating blow to my ability to take risks, I feel that my attempts will go from cliff diving to puddle splashing.

I will support my team, my church and this project the best that I can. If that means doing research and praying from home, I will throw my heart into it.

(Cue emo moment:)

The broken, shattered pieces of it at least.